You’re probably already familiar with pretty privilege. A catchy term that describes the benefits of being considered conventionally attractive. How people will want to get to know you, grant you favours, and even assume you’re a friendly, outgoing and honest person -simply because you’re good looking. After all, who can deny that prettiness has a pull? Or that the type of beauty that causes people to stare in the street, can also open doors. In fact research tells us that good looking people are likely to be happier, wealthier and have a greater number of sexual partners. We’re only human, and so we all want a piece of the beauty pie.
But like a currency that fails to convert, good looks do not, in any way, guarantee a good life. In fact, I’d venture that your looks don’t matter nearly as much as you might think. Or as much as the studies suggest they do. As a counsellor specialising in women’s self-esteem, I see first hand the forensic focus on our facade, and the impact this has on our sense of worth. From punishing workout regimes, to a routine of expensive treatments and tweakments. With the end goal being a standard of beauty so unattainable and singular, we’ll always be disappointed. I’m a firm believer that what you do with your body is your business, but our obsession with looks might be misplaced.
If looks don’t matter much, what does?
Studies suggests that it’s actually a feeling of being seen and approved of, at a core level, that’s most likely to lead to love – in all its guises.
When we think of the friends we love, although we can appreciate their looks, what really hooks us in is the quality of their personality. Their real and true authentic self. How they always think of the right thing to say, the way they make us feel safe, valued and loved. And how, through their eyes, we start thinking of ourselves as the funny, loving, interesting person they know us to be. I could talk for hours about my friend Chloe whose lust for life, spontaneity and open mindedness has remained unwavering since our university days. Or my friend Clare whose creativity, resilience and determination inspires my own. These are the people I truly love spending time with and it has little to do with their looks.
And the same is true, for a romantic relationship. I have admired many a beautiful boy across the college hall or nightclub floor. But when I’ve fallen in love, it’s been centred on a sense of rapport and connection. And I expect the same is true for you.
Using self-compassion when we feel less than beautiful.
But if we don’t feel acceptable, much less beautiful, it can be hard to go into the world with confidence and courage. And that’s where I turn to self compassion.
Self compassion is not only talking to yourself kindly, in the same way you’d talk to a close friend, but it’s also changing our perspective to see the bigger picture.
So what if you have cellulite on your thighs or wrinkles around your eyes? Or that your hair is flat and you’re two stone heavier than you were in high school. Try and hold in mind the overall picture that your closest friends would see. It’s not just your physical appearance, but also your personality. The way you walk, talk, think and express yourself. It’s remembering that you are not a one dimensional image – a still life or a photo in a glossy magazine. You are a real person with a sense of humour, with original ideas and a charisma unique to you.
Personally, I believe that if someone’s attracted to you either as a friend or possible romantic partner, then they’ll be attracted to you regardless of how you style your hair. Or the type of coat you wear.
So go ahead and package yourself in the most appealing way possible. But remember that your looks don’t matter as much as you think. They are but just one small part of you, and there is so much more to love.
If you want to share your own experience on why your looks don’t matter, then I’d love to hear it. Simply comment below.