I’ve just returned from a beautiful holiday, where I was mostly on the beach in my bikini. And while flaunting my curves, as the talented journalists at the Daily Mail call it, I got exactly zero compliments. Also, no appreciative glances and not a single double-take. I was no more noticeable on the beach then a bucket of sand. The lady vanishes. But her self-worth doesn’t. Because actually plummeting self-esteem and ageing don’t have to go together like sand in your sun cream. It’s honestly so freeing and relaxing to realise no one cares what you look like.
Understandably though, for many women, the loss of youth and resulting male attention can hit hard. Especially if you’ve been considered desirable since your teenage years. Or, if attractiveness had become a significant part of your identity. Male attention is often a consistent salve to low self-esteem, and works as confirmation that you’re seen, wanted, worthy. It’s also undeniably true that society places a premium on women’s looks, youth and perceived fertility.
But yet, there are still so many other benefits to the cloak of invisibility that comes with age. Diminishing self-esteem and ageing might be a stereotype, but that doesn’t make it anymore true than the dumb blonde trope. Here’s what I’ve noticed is so wonderful about being in your forties and beyond.
1. You can go places and feel physically and psychologically safer
Being in your teens and twenties can be hard for numerous reasons, not least because of the underlying feeling that you’re always on the back foot. The world is big and undiscovered which can be exciting. But if you’re not at all streetwise (me) then new situations can be threatening. I clearly remember as an 18 year old visiting a small Italian Catholic town wearing a pair of hot pants. I thought if they were acceptable in the UK, they’d also be fine in a remote, highly religious, mountainous village. The approaches were enthusiastic to the point of being aggressive. While the cultural oversight was mine, a situation like this can really shake both confidence and self-esteem. Leaving a person feeling vulnerable and exposed.
But now, in my forties, I know I can navigate cultures, and micro-cultures, with far more aplomb. And I’m also sure that whether you put me in the market place of Marrakesh or a club night in Merseyside I’m likely to slip under the radar. No one’s going to be coming on too strong. I’ll be left in peace, to sip my mint tea, enjoy the scenery and buy overpriced souvenirs.
2. But when approaches do happen they won’t crush your self-worth
That’s not to say that if you’re beyond 40 and single you’ll be living the life of a spinster. Because quite simply, you won’t; if you don’t want to. But it can be a big shift for women who’ve lived with the background noise of cars beeping, lads grunting and builders whistling since their teens, to be greeted by radio silence. You will still have conversations with people that you connect with. You may even still flirt. But by now men should be a lot more respectful in their approach.
And, contrary to what you may hear, my friends who are dating again in their forties and beyond, are having a great time. The pressure from your twenties and thirties is off. Most people already have children, no one looks as buff as they did in their younger years, and the check list for a ‘perfect partner’ has been torn up. Suffice to say, you can now please yourself and the only thing you need to consider is whether you connect.
3. The only opinion that matters about you is your own
In my twenties I remember feeling I was under the microscope. And had been found wanting on all fronts. Not only this, but people, particularly men, felt they were entitled to comment on my perceived physical shortcomings.
I recall a boss commenting on my buck teeth while at work. Just because he could. Before this, a male friend offering his thoughts on the shape of my hips while on holiday. And prior to both, I can still feel the hot faced shame and humiliation as my high school classmates loudly gave their thoughts on my small breasts.
It seemed there was a pressure of perfection expected of me in my twenties, which doesn’t exist in my forties. It’s not just that I care less about other people’s opinions. It’s also that they stop imposing their unwanted opinions on me.
So if you’re in your 30s or 40s and you’re feeling overwhelmed or scared at the thought of plummeting self-esteem and ageing – then worry not. The pressure if off. You’re looking good. Go ahead and live your life.