Self-Esteem Faqs

the words self esteem spelt out in scarbble letters on a blue background.

Self-esteem is a term that’s bandied around so often, in magazines and social media. But actually, really understanding self-esteem can be more complex. So, I’ve put together these self-esteem FAQs. If there’s anything else you’d like to see just let me know.

What exactly is self-esteem?

The Cambridge Dictionary describes self esteem as: “Belief and confidence in your own ability and value.”
This is true. But it just doesn’t chime with me. It doesn’t conjure the roller coaster experience of actually living with a changeable self esteem. Sometimes bruised, after a crushing rejection, or buoyant and bursting after a meaningful success.

Instead, I think Maya Angelou captures it best. She goes beyond a definition to express her belief. “I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect.”

Self-love and self-respect are the core components of self esteem. And it’s vowing to return to these feelings, that’s at the heart of healthy self esteem. Good self esteem is not a single action, or just one way of being. And so it can’t be clearly defined. Instead, it’s a continual pivoting back to self love once we realise we’ve wandered off the path.

Can self-esteem really be improved?

Yes, absolutely it can. Self-esteem levels can be significantly improved with just a few simple tools and techniques.

  1. Counselling: I’m a therapist, so I’m likely to put this at the top of every list. But being given time and attention every week, to talk about what’s on your mind with a professional can really make a difference to low self-esteem. It allows you to explore what’s impacting your self-worth, examine where you may have moved away from your authentic self and support you in setting some boundaries. It will also give you a chance to look at stories or beliefs from the past that you may still be holding on to and see how these may have created low self-esteem.
  2. Keep a weekly list of all the good things you did: This doesn’t just have to be confined to achievements (e.g. I wrote two blogs and got praised by my boss) but can also include any kind or helpful behaviour. For example, I looked after my friend’s baby for 20 minutes so she could have a shower. By the time a few weeks has gone by you’ll be able to see just how clever, competent and caring you are. And the difference you make to other’s lives.
  3. Use self-compassion Quite simply, try and get into the habit of talking to yourself in a much kinder way. And you will quickly see this is an excellent salve for shaky self-esteem. Self-compassion isn’t letting ourselves of the hook but it is understanding that we are human. And this means at times we will mess up. Research has shown that self-compassion helps with forgiveness, injury recovery and dealing with set backs. The work of Dr Kristin Neff in this area, is fascinating and accessible, if you want to learn more.

How do I keep my self-esteem high when everything is going wrong

There are two key things that most client’s benefit from remembering or exploring when things are going wrong:

Failure will always be on the path to success
As much as possible, try to eschew perfectionism and make peace with failure. In fact, embrace it and view failures as the flowers on the path to success. Failure is always a learning experience. So, instead of miring yourself in shame, take the lessons you need to learn and then move on.

Woman with long brown hair, wearing a stripy dress sitting on the floor of her kitchen looking sad and stressed, with a bottle of wine and a glass by her side.

Whatever happens you are still worthy of love and being loved. I know it sounds odd but most rejection isn’t at all personal. If someone splits up with you because you’re not their type, then this isn’t a judgement about you and your worth. It simply means you’re not for everyone. None of us are. And it’s important not to be less you, or compromise yourself. Similarly, if an idea or piece of work gets rejected then it’s not you or your intellect that’s being diminished and rejected. It’s only the idea.

If you have any self-esteem question you’d like me to answer, then please comment below and I may add them in here.

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