Singer, Paloma Faith, discusses self loss in her biography MILF, she writes,
“I was a mother, carer, domestic goddess and completely self-sacrificing. I stopped reading, learning, being curious and felt I only existed to serve my small children.”
Can you relate?
Self-loss can happen quickly. Once the dust has settled, after any big life event, we look round and think, “Where has the old me gone, and how did I even end up like this?”
But, it can happen in a much slower, and less dramatic way. More like a disowning of the true self. Staying in a job you hate, a relationship you’re not suited to, or a friendship group you’ve outgrown. All because you fear you’ll never find anyone, or anything better, and you’re scared of change.
It’s like a disavowing of the true self, made manageable by the things we tell ourselves. If any of this sounds familiar to you, and you feel as though your suffering from self loss, then I’ve got three ways to help you back on the right path and reunited with your old self.
1. Get to know your self again – what do you like?
This is a small and completely nonthreatening place to start. Before you put any pressure on yourself to find, reveal or stay true to the real you – just start thinking about what you like. If you’re unsure about an item, leave it off the list, and wait until you have one which is a heartfelt, genuine yes.
And this list can encompass absolutely everything – food, clothes, books, smells. people. Just keep it as basic and reflexive as possible. It can be scrawled on a piece of paper like a shopping list.
Thinking about what you connect with, and what excites you at your absolute core, however small, is like a statement that you exist. You exist, and are a person with a sense of self. There in black and white you can see exactly what makes you feel good.
2. Practice speaking out and expressing an opinion
If you’ve been brought up to be kind, pleasing and always think of others. then you may find it hard to express your point of view. Especially if you feel that point of view runs contrary to others. Or will throw you uncomfortably into the spotlight. But the resentment that builds through not speaking up can become the harder burden to bare.
Expressing your opinion is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened. If you’re out of practice, and anxious of the thought, then start small. Practice stating a moderate opinion with a safe group, who you know won’t judge. From here you can keep on building up. And eventually you’ll be able to explain exactly why you won’t laugh at that joke at the family party. And why you don’t think they should be telling it either.
3. Be Honest with yourself and try some jealousy juicing
One of the most important steps in dealing with self loss is to get really clear with exactly what it is you do want. I’m not asking you to work towards it, or even make a plan to get it. I’m just asking you to acknowledge your hearts desire – to yourself.
And if it does’t come to you easily, then you may need to try some jealousy juicing. A term coined by Megan Hellerer in her book Directional Living. For most people, jealousy is an unmistakable feeling – like a twisting in the stomach. So you should know it instantly when you feel it. And it can light the way to revealing the right path for you.
Basically, search far and wide for those people who make you jealous. And once you find them, embrace it. Usually we shy away from jealousy because it’s such an uncomfortable feeling. But this time stay curious. What is it about them, their careers, lifestyle or values that you like exactly?
Once you’ve completed these three steps, hopefully your feelings of self loss will start receding, and you can get ready to greet your old, or new self.
If you want to share with me your experience of self loss, then I’m all ears. Please just comment