5 things I’ve learnt in 5 years as a women’s self esteem specialist

Celia Jarvis, women's self-esteem specialist.

For the past 5 years, I’ve been specialising in women’s self-esteem. And as you might imagine, it’s really rewarding work. A surprising side effect though, is that as my wonderful clients grow, so too do I. It’s always enlightening on every level. So, to commemorate this anniversary, here are the top 5 things I’ve learnt in 5 years as a women’s self-esteem specialist.

1. Behavioural change is often the hardest work


After all the exploring, insights and discoveries within the counselling room, there comes a time when clients have renewed self awareness and know just what they need to do to make meaningful changes… And that’s where the floundering begins, because behaviour changes are just so hard. And scary, quite frankly.

Behaviour change can mean a new level of discomfort – having awkward conversations, becoming conscious of our patterns, leaving behind groups we were once a key part of. And the worst thing is, you can make all these changes, and still there’s no instant reward or sense of achievement. In fact it’s usually the opposite. You’ve shut one door and another is yet to open, so you loiter awkwardly in the hallway – feeling a bit lost and lonely. But if you stick with it through the hard times, then there’s nearly always the biggest pay-off waiting for you.

2. Getting to know and embrace yourself makes the biggest difference

Often my clients come to counselling with me because they feel they are wrong in some way – too sensitive, too thoughtful, too chaotic.

But they are not wrong. They’ve just been made to feel wrong. Or they’re in the wrong environment. One of the best things about being a counsellor, is seeing their self acceptance unfold as they realise this is just who they are. And it’s fine. In fact it’s better than fine. They’re exactly where they should be. And all those traits which were once embarrassing, and contributed to a sense of low self-esteem, are now embraced. They realise their sensitivity is their super power. It gives them unparalleled empathy, sense of fairness and regard for others. They just need to take it somewhere where it will be welcomed, and realised for the gift it is. And we do all have our own unique gifts, which takes me to my next point…

3. Comparison really is the thief of joy

It’s a hackneyed old saying, because it’s true. Constantly comparing yourself to others, whether it’s looks, lifestyle or personality, will be damaging in the long term.

Although comparison is often reflexive and instinctual, it’s also unhelpful. So, a quick glance and evaluation in the street may have started before you’re aware you’ve done it. But by scrolling the socials, and comparing yourself to others, it means you fail to see your own gorgeousness. And the wonderful qualities you do have. Thereby, dimming your own light.

4. Self-esteem slights may have to be explored before they can be improved

Counselling is hard work, and many a client experiences the therapy hangover after a session. Sometimes to make progress in life it’s necessary to look at every cruel, unkind and unfair thing anyone’s ever said about you. And really examine how it holds up in the light of day. It would be lovely if we could just jump right in at the strengthening bit, but it’s often not possible.

And in my five years as a self-esteem specialist, I’ve noticed that women are often feeling ashamed. Ironically, it’s usually about a situation or insult when the shame isn’t theirs to hold. It’s not until we really delve into these feelings that we can see what’s really going on. And that we can start to examine the intentions behind a lot of hurtful things that were said to us.

5. Self-esteem needs to be protected and cultivated every single day

This one is non-negotiable and probably the single biggest thing I’ve learnt in my time specialising in women’s self-esteem. Your self-esteem is probably not going to grow and flourish on it’s own – it needs to be intentional.

And so begins the constant dual process of questioning unkind comments. either from ourselves or others, while recalling all of our wonderful previous achievements. We have to get deliberate about how we want to feel about ourselves. This work is no silver bullet, and it needs to be consistent. So, it will be like showering or doing yoga everyday. But regular practice and awareness will make the most significant difference to your self-esteem.

If you have any questions or comments, then please just share below.

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