Haunted by bad memories? Here’s how to move on

Woman with shoulder length brunette hair and white skin, screams while facing the camera.

Haunted by bad memories, spooked by ghosts from the past, screaming in terror at the mistakes of your younger self? Then fear no more. I’ve got the best tips to help you slay those demons, and give you the self-esteem you deserve.

1. Self compassion is your best fiend

Self-compassion is simply treating yourself in a kind, understanding and compassionate way. The way you’d treat a close friend. It’s talking to yourself in a pleasant tone. Always having an understanding perspective, and believing that even though you’ve made a mistake, you’ll go on to thrive.

It can also be using soothing touches to help regulate your nervous system and understanding that everyone suffers. Suffering is part of the human condition and you are not alone in feeling as stressed/sad/directionless as you do.

Research psychologist Skoda (2011) found that self-compassion was closely correlated with forgiveness of the self. And also the forgiveness of others. Self forgiveness is key to accepting the past and preparing for a future that seems exciting and full of opportunity.

2. Think how understanding you’d be to someone else

If someone told you about a mistake they’d made earlier in their life – for example they’d bullied, betrayed or cheated. Then I’d bet you’d see their mistakes with a wider sense of perspective then you do your own. Even if that person was just a stranger to you. You wouldn’t want them to be haunted by bad memories. No doubt you’d remind them that they were a lot younger then. Or that taking missteps and learning from them is part of life. You’d probably remind them how much people change, reassure them that everyone has their regrets. You might even mention that you’re sure they did the best they could with the tools and experience they had at the time.

Now imagine, taking this wider, wiser perspective and applying it to your own life and your own mistakes. Because you are just the same as everyone else and you too deserve grace for the mistakes you once made.

3. Look for the life lesson or the shadow benefit

It’s tough when things go really wrong, and we have to live with the consequences of our own, or someone else’s, mistakes. We wish with every fibre of our being that we could turn back time – but we can’t. All we can do, is start moving forward with the life we have. And away from our regrets.

Two skeletons facing each other, under pink disco lighting effect.

For some people this can simply mean owning their mistake. They’re not afraid to talk about it, and its repercussions. They want to warn others not to go down a similar path. For many it can mean dedicating their time or money to a relevant cause. But for most, it simply means accepting the past and looking for the life lessons that emerge from this experience.

If you’ve ever seriously lost your temper with your child, you’ll know that this can be a turning point. You’ll want to make sure it never happens again. So, you might start anger management courses that teach you techniques for dealing with difficult behaviour in children. Or You shift your daily schedule around so that it’s more flexible and less frantic for both of you. But most of all, you become sensitive to other parents who seem like they’re struggling and close to the edge.

4. Speak to a cousellor if you’re still haunted by bad memories

So you’ve tried these tips but nothing seems to have shifted for you. You’re still haunted by the past and the burden you shoulder seems bigger than ever. If this is you, then it may be time to speak to a counsellor. One who’s especially trained in moral injury and regrets. Whatever you’ve done a good counsellor will not judge, and just being able to tall it through may make a difference in how you perceive the situation. They won’t pressure you to be positive of offer meaningless platitudes. They’ll simply provide you with a safe space to explore what’s going on for you. And support you in looking at your own thought processes and behavioural patterns. In time, you’ll find your way to a future where you feel less haunted and more hopeful.

If you want to share your own tips on how you freed yourself from being haunted by bad memories, then I would love to hear them. Simply comment below, and I’ll get back to you.

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