Research has found you can improve your self-esteem by speaking out. Getting comfortable with voicing your opinion, can have a range of wellbeing benefits – from more authentic relationships to lower blood pressure. But although it sounds simple, we all know fearlessly speaking your mind can be far from easy. Especially in a group, where the easiest option is to laugh along at the off-colour joke. And then seethe inside, betrayed by your own lack of backbone.
The American entrepreneur and author, Jim Rohn said, “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” So to help lighten your mental load, and improve your self-esteem by speaking out, I’ve put together three of the best tips.
1. Remember your needs are no less important than anyone elses
If we believe everyone’s equal, then you have just as much right to voice your opinion, decline an invitation or just say no, as anyone else. But it’s normally through our childhood experiences, that we begin to believe we deserve less than others. Taking some time to reflect on what you were told as a child, can really help you gain insight into how these beliefs show up in adulthood.
So many little girls are taught to be polite, pleasing and obedient. They’re told, explicitly or otherwise, that ‘showing off’ or ‘being boastful’ is unattractive. And we grow up internalising these beliefs. When we do have a skill or an achievement we’re proud of, we’re told to act humble to put others at ease. But this won’t work in the jobs market, where employees need to know exactly what you can do. And how well you can do it.
So, start off by just considering what it is you really want. Before you can express your needs to others, state them to yourself. Admitting you have a preference, can be the first step along the path to building self esteem and speaking out.
2. Say what you mean but don’t say it mean
It is possible to disagree with someone without being disagreeable. It is also possible to be clear about how you’re feeling, yet also kind.
But trying to put your thoughts into coherent words which elegantly express your feelings is tough. Yet it can be done. It just takes a bit of practice.
Firstly, keep your tone kind and your voice at a normal speaking level. Then quite simply express what you didn’t like, but focus on the person’s specific behaviour. Don’t make it an attack on their personality or general being. And remember, if a person’s confident enough to tell a joke or express an opinion in public, then they should be confident enough to receive feedback about it.
3. Start small and armed with some stock phrases to help you
If you’re new to all this, and it seems a bit overwhelming, then there simple ways to get started.
Firstly, start practicing with things you don’t really care much about – just to get used to stating a preference. How do you want your eggs done? Which table would you really prefer at your local restaurant?
Then, when you’ve got used to expressing yourself on trivial matters, move on to practicing your skills with a small group of very accepting friends. Tell them why the film everyone’s raving about didn’t hit the mark with you.
And lastly, psychologist Dr. Michele Goldman has contributed to this excellent article which provides a list of stock phrases to add to your social arsenal. Until you are completely comfortable speaking your mind these, can pave the way.
Expressing your opinion isn’t always easy, but it’s benefits are big. Please do let me know if any of these have worked for you. I’d really love to hear your opinion.