The twin topics of depression and low self-esteem, give most people the shudders. Depression is bad enough alone. But so often it wants to pair up with another funky feeling and double its impact. Depression leaves us bleak inside, and then low self esteem tells us we don’t deserve to feel better. In fact, who are we to expect more from life?
Because low self-esteem and depression are both my specialisms, I wanted to explore how they combine. Also, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years, it’s that both depression and low self-esteem can present quite differently to how we might imagine. So, as you read through this blog, if you spot yourself, or someone you love, in any of the descriptions, then you might want to consider getting some more support.
What does depression and low self esteem look like?
All too often when we think of depression and low self-esteem we think of someone sad. Possibly they’re lying in bed much of the time sobbing. Maybe their low self-esteem has turned to inward anger and they might be self-harming or smoking and drinking in excess.
But actually, the opposite is also true. People who have chronic depression and low self esteem tend to wear a mask. So they seem perfectly presented and well put together at all times. In fact you might call it a faultless appearance. And it’s this perfection of presentation, that’s the indicator they’re wearing a mask. Because, if we feel depressed and low in self-esteem then it’s easy to believe that no one could love us if they knew what we were really like. So we go to great lengths to conceal our true, messy, imperfect selves behind a flawless facade. But keeping up this appearance can lead to other approval winning behaviours – over achieving, people pleasing, and continuously striving for more, more, more.
In the words of Thomas Curran, a world leading perfectionism expert and author of The Perfection Trap,
“When that facade (of perfectionism) is cracked, their self-esteem plummets. They feel anxious, self conscious and cope by over compensating, with even higher expectations and more vigilant concealment of their shortcomings”
All too often it seems that women with low self-esteem are either living their life for other people, or to get external approval and validation.
What’s the theory behind low self esteem and depression
There are many theories behind depression and low self-esteem, but because I’m a person centred therapist, I’m drawn to the works of Carl Rogers.
Rogers believed that we all have conditions of worth. These are the explicit and implicit rules we believe we must stick to, to win people’s love, friendship and approval. They’re most often passed down from parents, teachers and friends and first encountered in childhood. I grew up Catholic and female in the 1980’s and here are some of mine:
My introjections from childhood
- Be humble, showing off and boasting is really unattractive – for girls
- Be pretty, slender and attractive, but NEVER in a way that looks as though you’ve tried too hard, or crossed into the realm of looking ‘tarty’
- Be kind to everyone, and always inclusive, even if they’re not particularly kind to you
- Get a good job, but not so good that you earn more than a man. And don’t stress yourself over it, that’s not ladylike
- Achieve well in school – don’t let your sister, teacher or yourself down
These are off the top of my head. I could have easily thought of 50 more, and I’m sure you could too.
All these introjections and conditions of worth, can lead to a loss of self. We eschew the things we love – being creative, spontaneous, unabashedly excellent at maths – for things we think we should like. And slowly, over many years, an often imperceptible change happens. We realise we’ve moved so far from our authentic self that we’ve become a stranger in our own life.
You may have heard people talk about the moment they knew they couldn’t spend another day at work. Or had to leave their marriage. Because suddenly they realise, through bowing to the conditions of others, they’ve lost their sense of self. But before their massive epiphany, there’s usually many years spent crying in the work toilets, resenting the life they’ve created.
Is there anything that can be done to improve low self-worth and depression?
Yes, luckily there is plenty. And much of it is within easy reach and can be started immediately.
The first step is just to accept that you are not living a life that is authentic to you. You may have won awards, received accolades and always been top of your class. But none of this matters, if the life you’re in feels like a prison.
Then the next simple step, is to start writing down all the introjections and conditions of worth you’ve internalised throughout your life. This provides a perspective on just how much pressure you’ve been under, and allows you to see it all in black and white.
The next actions may take a little longer, but they will be worth it. Firstly, I’d suggest you either talk to your GP, and see if they can refer you for therapy . Or, if you can afford it, find a private counsellor in your area. A therapist who specialises in low self-esteem and depression is best, as they’ll have plenty of experience on the subject.
While you’re waiting, you might want to take a look at the excellent book Directional Living by Megan Hellerer. Hellerer has first-hand experience of living a so-called perfect life, until the moment she realised it wasn’t. Directional Living delves into her own journey back to health and fulfillment, and includes lots of tips and exercises for readers in a similar position.
If you want to share your own experience of depression and low self-esteem and how the two manifested for you, then I would love to hear it. Simply, comment below.