Have you had a bleak year, beset with tough times, bereavement, separation? And now, as Santa packs his sleigh, you’re wondering how you’re going to survive Christmas after loss? If yuletide joy feels a reach too far, then please rest assured you’re not alone. There are many of us out there at the moment wishing it would just pass us by. TV and magazines are overloaded with beautiful people celebrating the most wonderful time of the year together. It can feel taboo, and completely at odds, to reveal you’ve got Christmas fear, not Christmas cheer.
So, if you’re wondering how to survive Christmas, and feeling isolated in your sadness, I’m here to help. I’ve asked others who’ve been in your position recently, for some meaningful tips on surviving the festive season. And here are the best.
Let people know you’re feeling delicate and will be doing less
Samantha, a marketing executive from Chiswick, had a miscarriage shortly before Christmas. Although she found the sadness overwhelming, she also found the act of putting on a brave face equally draining. But luckily Samantha had understanding friends and family,
“I basically told them I’d be scaling back Christmas gatherings and get togethers this year. I didn’t feel up to socialising, and knew I needed the time to grieve. My friends and family completely got it. They were really understanding and even encouraged me to take time outto look after myself.”
In the end Samantha didn’t go to a single Christmas party. She also kept the day itself low-key by spending the morning just with her husband. And the afternoon being hosted by her mother-in-law.
Like Samantha, If you’re feeling fragile during the festive season, letting those closest to you know what’s going on can serve dual purposes. It lowers other’s expectations and saves you the mental anguish of putting on a mask. To pretend everything is fine, when it’s not, is exhausting.
Reflecting on her sad experience, Samantha recognises her honesty had some hidden benefits.
“It deepened friendships,” says Samantha, “it encouraged my friends to empathise and then share their own experiences. I realised how many of my friends were going through something distressing too.”
Remember you’re not alone in finding Christmas a struggle
I love self-compassion, love it! In fact, if there were one gift I’d give to everyone this Christmas, it’s to be loving to themselves. But aside from talking to yourself in a nurturing way, another component of self-compassion is understanding that everyone suffers. And this alone can help us survive Christmas after loss.
Suffering is part of the human condition. There is no one in this life who’s going to get through it without experiencing sadness, despair, yearning, jealosuy, envy. As self compassion pioneer Kristin Neff says, suffering is the common human experience.
And Suna, from Norwich, was able to find comfort in this fact, following the split from her partner. “I used to lay awake at night almost paralysed with fear about how I was going to make it through my first Christmas. And the only thought that helped, was to remember there were women the world over feeling just like I was. As I was laying awake at 3am crying, I’d imagine the other women currently doing the same. It sounds odd, but I felt less alone in my sadness. And like there was a sisterhood out there.
After a bereavement, plan Christmas your way
Following the death of her mum, Melanie from Cirencester was unable to enjoy Christmas in the way she used too.
“I’ll be honest, the first Christmas without my mum, was hard. I felt her loss so deeply it was mostly spent just surviving the day. Mum had been so integral to Christmas, and created so many rituals and routines that I felt adrift.
“But as time went on, I realised I wanted to honour and remember her on the big day. So now, I’ve created some of my own rituals. And this means I can still enjoy her memory and make her part of the day. I put her picture next to the children’s stockings so she can watch over us. And I also have a glass of wine while I’m making the Christmas dinner to silently toast her. In my head I talk to her about the kids and tell her what we’ve been up to.
“They’re just small things, but to me they’re big and really meaningful. They keep me connected with mum. And it’s how I managed to survive Christmas after loss.”
And grief counsellor, David Campbell, agrees. In his article for Counselling Directory he writes,
“Embrace the idea of creating new traditions or adapting existing ones to honour your loved one’s memory. You could also try writing a poem or doing a small journal of the good times you experienced together.”
I hope you’ve found these tips comforting and helpful, and if you want to add your own below then I’d love to hear them. If you want support over the Christmas period, then the Samaritans will be open and aren’t just for people who are feeling suicidal or in crisis.