Talking about the ‘benefits’ of low self-esteem sounds a little confusing, and even counter intuitive. It’s hard to believe, as you watch your life pass by, that there are advantages to feeling like this. But there are. The fact remains, that low self-esteem comes replete with secondary gains. And it can be these little kickbacks, that cause us to desperately cling to our low self-worth.
But, just being aware of these gains, and how they keep us safe, can be empowering. It can give us the insights we need to challenge ourselves and make changes. So why not take a look at the points below, and see what resonates?
Low self-esteem can keep you safe and free from rejection or failure
Feeling safe is a wonderful cosy feeling. It’s comfortable, non-confronting, cosseted. It allows you to side-step the stomach lurch of fear, vulnerability or failure. But by identifying as someone with low self-esteem, and constantly repeating this diagnosis to ourselves, we cement it. And we start to truly believe we could never take a risk/move to a new country/start a relationship. Doing these things is for people with high self worth. People who can stand to risk rejection, failure and vulnerability and not have it shatter their already diminished self-esteem. It’s not for us, already struggling out here.
And of course, when we tell ourselves these things we give ourselves permission to not even bother trying. If this sounds familiar to you, then you’re experiencing one of the the benefits of low self-esteem. You’re purposely playing it small to stay in your comfort zone. There is an antidote to this though, and that’s becoming aware, on a daily basis, of all the opportunities we let pass us by, or refuse to pursue. We begin to see how much of life we’re missing out on. And how useful our low self-esteem has become in letting us step back from creating the life we really want.
People pleasing and perfectionism mean you’re likely to have lots of friends
Another symptom of low self esteem is perfectionism and people pleasing, both of which I’ve written about before. They can, undoubtedly, be hard to live with, but they do also have some surprising benefits. A person who’s a people pleaser is likely to be popular, genuinely well liked and surrounded by friends. And this is one of the benefits of low self-esteem. They’re probably also expert at smoothing over lively discussions, knowing what to say in fractious social situations and making sure everyone else in the group feels heard. This level of likeability can be hard to give up, and popularity provides a sort of protection against the world.
Similary, perfectionists might exhaust themselves trying to keep up with their own impossible demands. But for everyone else they’re a God send. They’re vital to any friendship group or work situation, because they don’t crack under impossible demands, and seem to gladly take the weight off everyone else’s shoulders. So if you’re the person in a group who’s heavily relied on and considered a safe pair of hands then this can be a salve for low self-esteem. And one of the reasons why you might be finding it hard to give up.
low self worth lets you blame all your life’s woes on your looks/figure without having to dig any deeper
If you’ve got low self-esteem then you may pin it to your looks or figure. And who can blame you? There are whole industries set up to encourage you to think like this. Feeling drained at work? You need a new dress and a makeover? Want to get back on the dating scene? Then get your hair coloured and lose a few pounds. Whenever we have self-esteem woes you can bet it gets blamed on our physical appearance.
But automatically blaming our bodies, stops us from looking at the much deeper issues. Is it really that they’d like you better if you were thinner or do you just find it hard to connect with that person, regardless? Were you really passed over for promotion because you weren’t stylish, or is it more likely that your professional qualifications and experience didn’t make the mark? Continually blaming our looks and our bodies is such an easy place to start. And stop. But if you really want to make a meaningful difference to your life then some deeper exploration is needed.