Rethinking divorce and separation

Man with dark brown hair, and a beard hugs a woman with long ash blonde hair. Set against a sky scape.

Over the past few decades we’ve done a lot of thinking. And most of us have changed our views on smacking children, smoking on top decks of buses and working from the office 5 days a week. And now it’s probably time to rethink divorce and separation. Once considered a massive personal failure, and a surefire route to raising delinquent kids, it’s now starting to be recognised for what is is: The best, and kindest, decision for all.

So, what’s still keeping us in relationships that aren’t working? The answers, as you might expect, are multi fold.

For many it’s financial factors. The cost of living is high right now, as are the interest rate on mortgages. For many couples it’s just not financially feasible to go their separate ways. Comedian Katherine Ryan, also touches on the sunk cost fallacy in this clip. The idea that we’ve invested so much time in a person, and it would feel wasted if we ended the relationship. So we continue to pour more into a person, blindly hoping things will change. While deep down knowing that they won’t.

For more people still, the unpleasant feeling of being judged can be a deterrent to divorce. And one that comes with strong cultural connotations. These are standards, or conditions of worth in counselling parlance, that a person believes they must adhere to, in order to secure love and acceptance from friends, family or society. One of these conditions, is that to appear adult, worthy and successful they must fulfill societal obligations of the ‘perfect woman.’ Which includes staying married.

The benefits of divorce and separation

Such negative views of divorce and separation can keep us stuck in relationships that aren’t working. The conscious or unconscious belief that it’s too sad, too desperate and too hard to go it alone. But thankfully, another narrative is taking hold. In Get Divorced Be Happy, Helen Thorn, one half of the comedy duo Scummy Mummies, offers another, balanced and more pleasing, perspective.

Divorce, she writes is often the best option, and lone parenting, doesn’t have to be lonely, drudgery back breaking work. It can be about freedom, fun and focusing on yourself and your children.

As I rethink divorce and separation I wondered if I have ever heard it talked of of in a positive way? And there are two instances that stick in my mind. One is an interview with Helena Bonham-Carter, where she told The Guardian, “The cruelty of divorce is extraordinary. But then you get to a point where you’re like, Oh, I get this week off! Some parts are very much to be recommended.”

And the other is the poet Holly McNish who is only too happy to wax lyrical about her life as a single woman and a mother of one. She writes,

“To say these two days are a joy is not an exaggeration; I love them. I can have anyone over or sit and stuff myself with chips and cheese all night; I can have last minute sleep overs at friends house; I can masturbate for three hours. I can read a book or chat on the phone or stare at a wall. Perhaps best of all, there is nobody observing me doing any of these thing; no judgements; no points deducted or scored.”

Helpful resources for the best separation possible

If you’re considering going it alone, whether that’s with or without children, please don’t feel alienated. Separation and divorce are mainstream and manageable nowadays, and there are so many excellent resources to help you through it.

First up, is my download, which will provide some wellbeing support so you don’t feel emotionally at sea.

Then there’s Citizens Advice which is a great start point, when you don’t know where to start. They’ll be able to give you a basic overview of your rights, and put you in touch with low cost lawyers in your area.

If you have a children within the relationship then I can recommend, as a one stop shop, Gingerbread. This organisation not only explains your rights, but advocates for single parents and also provides a forum to connect with others.

And lastly, although there are many books available on the subject, I am particularly keen on The Family Lawyer’s Guide to Separation and Divorce by Laura Naser. Laura is, as the title suggests, a specialist in family law. And this book provides you with a great grounding on what’s what when you’re considering divorce or separation. She’s also very active on Instagram @thefamilylawyer and has managed her own divorce in the public eye with great aplomb. It really does happen to the best of us.