When you hear the word low self-esteem, what do you imagine? Perhaps, a woman, round shouldered, stooped, hiding behind her hair. Everything about her demeanour suggests she wants to disappear. But there are just as many women who hide their low self-worth well. So well, they hide it even from themselves. And, unless you were looking closely for these surprising signs of low self-esteem, you’d never guess that they too feel worthless.
This is called hidden, or high functioning, low self-esteem. And it comes with all the burdens of regular low self-worth, but with an extra side of shame and anxiety. People with hidden low self-esteem find the vulnerability of being open about their own challenges too painful and exposing. They may even struggle to share their feelings with a close friend or counsellor.
If you’re reading this, nodding along and thinking yes that resonates, then take a look at the 3 surprising signs of low self-esteem..
People really, really like you
Far from signalling superior social skills, having the vast majority of people think you’re absolutely amazing is not the flex you might think it is. In fact, it can be a sign you’re adapting or concealing your authentic self. No one is going to be everyone’s best friend – it’s just not possible. So if you find yourself top of the popularity premier league, it could be because your’re consciously, or unconsciously, altering your personality to please others.
If this sounds close to people pleasing, it’s because it is. People with hidden low self-esteem can be so keen to secure a connection, they’ll go along with everything. Invited to a grunge metal concert, even though your clearly a pop princess? Sure, you’ll be there. Would prefer an Indian takeaway to a chinese? You won’t be speaking up. Because you’ll never venture a thought that goes against the crowd. And while most people adore your company, in contrast you leave most social gatherings feeling drained.
Although this article is 15 years old, it’s still relevant. Because it’s a great example of trading authenticity for approval. The best-selling author, Adele Parks’ reflects on having received nine marriage proposals throughout her early twenties. After some soul searching, she realises it’s because she changes her personality to please the men she dates. I’m sorry it’s the Daily Mail, but her self-awareness and insight makes it an interesting read.
You’re career, and kitchen, and handbag are impressive
Got an impressive job? Wonderful. Been to a Russel Group university. Super. Is your kitchen white, incredibly tasteful and very expensive? Great! If that’s what you really wanted, then I’m made up for you. And delighted all your hard work has paid off. But a secret sign of low self esteem is opting for the most socially impressive choice. Rather than the one that really suits you. So, if in your decision process you immediately wonder what will garner the most praise, or impress the most people, or even just seems the ‘right’ choice then you’re considering the opinion of others before you consider your own.
There is a wonderful book called Directional Living. It’s written by Megan Hellerer, herself a stellar student and former Google employee. Directional Living documents Hellerer’s ‘breakdown’ after she realises her whole life had been spent chasing external validation. It’s a great read, and charts her recovery from external approval to really getting to know herself and discover what she wants in life.
You suffer with imposter syndrome
Often imposter syndrome is wrongly labelled in magazines and social media. Feeling anxious at the thought of a job interview or presentation? This is nerves, not impostor syndrome. On the other hand, if you’re convinced someone is going to march up to you at any moment, reveal you for the charlatan you are, and remove you from your job- then this is imposter syndrome. It’s very real and is not only psychological but systemic.
For example, if you’re a lawyer, and there aren’t many other female lawyers in your company then you may understandably feel you don’t belong. The same is also true, if you went to your local high school and most people in your office are privately educated. But suffering with imposter syndrome can also happen because of low self-esteem. As a result of this, rather than fessing up about how we feel, we double down and work even harder to prove ourselves. This can be a short cut to burnout, if you don’t possess the self-care tools to deal with it. Professor Thomas Curran, author of The Perfection Trap, says,
“Self-compassion is crucial to breaking the self-critical cycle of perfectionism. Cognitive reframing of irrational thoughts can also be useful. But it’s no panacea.
“But most of all, if perfectionism is impacting your life in negative ways it’s crucial to seek help from a trained mental health professional. Acknowledging perfectionism is the problem, and seeking help is the hardest but most crucial first step.”