Forgiveness and self-esteem may seem to be only loosely linked. But dig deeper, or examine your own experiences, and you’ll know that holding a grudge brings up some hard feelings. There’s anger (a lot of it), righteous indignation, bitterness. And, beneath all that, there can be a stagnant sense of guilt or shame. Because, despite everyone’s most thougtful advice you can’t just LET IT GO or GET OVER IT!
It’s understandable. Because you feel wronged, taken advantage of. And, quite frankly, remembering the wrong feels right. Days are spent nurturing the hurt, and planning ways to even out the score. If this sounds familiar then it can be comforting to know there’s an evolutionary explanation for harbouring resentment. It protects us from future pain. Remembering in vivid detail who hurt us, and how they did it, stops us venturing down that particular path again.
In this article from Psychology Today, Tina Gilbertson writes that three conditions must be met for forgivess to be granted. A good apology, a good outcome and an end to the offending behaviour. The majority of people won’t get any of these conditions met – let alone all three. So are we doomed to tangle eternally with our lack of forgiveness and self-esteem?
How resentment impacts self-esteem
There are two main ways that resentment impacts our self-esteem. Firstly, ruminating over the original hurt means it magnifies. And takes up more emotional space than it should do. In fact, it can seep into our identity and we begin to think of ourselves as a wronged person. Or a victim, in life.
If you’re familiar with the drama triangle you’ll know that one way to stop being the victim is to become the persecutor.
But life as a potential persecutor means staying attached to your anger. And. more importantly, becoming aware of opportunities to avenge it. So we can become fixated on the person, who originally wronged us. Looking for revenge opportunities, planning them, re imagining them, tweaking them. And there is the high possibility that even if we do manage to even out a score, it won’t feel as good as we imagine.
This can lead to repeat revenge. We take revenge, it doesn’t feel as satisfying as we hoped, dand we determine that the revenge needs to be better/longer/ more covert/less covert. So, it’s back to the drawing board and more ruminating on revenge.
Secondly, if we can’t forgive but compare ourselves to others who can, this has a negative impact on our self-esteem. Heaping shame on ourselves for perceived failures of forgiveness, will only heighten already difficult emotions. We’re likely to feel ashamed of ourselves, guilty, disappointed and also to start identifying as a vengeful and vicious person.
In comparison to these hard feelings, accepting that you can’t forgive can be freeing.
Accept a future without forgiveness
Forgiveness may not be an option, but hanging on to resentful feelings is damaging to your own mental health. Here are three tips to help healing:
- If you find yourself ruminating, planning revenge or seeking retribution then speak to a counsellor.
Even without forgiveness, the future can still be brighter, better and easier for you. Exploring the worst of your feelings with a trained professional, and then focusing on the life you wish to create for yourself will help with mental wellness, and feeling less burdened by heavy feelings.
2. Treat yourself with self-compassion, and don’t pressure yourself to feel differently
I’m a big fan of self-compassion because it allows people to start treating themselves with kindness. So if you’re struggling with forgiveness and self-esteem then think about what you’d say to a dear friend who’s going through the same thing. I’d bet you’d tell her it was understandable, and to go easy on herself. To accept these feelings without fighting them or judging herself. Now you just need to tell yourself the same thing, in the same kind tone, when these feelings arise.
3. Be aware of thrill of bad feelings and how you’re keeping yourself attached to the situation
For example, if your ex husband lied or cheated on you and you’re unable to forgive him, then that’s okay. But if you find yourself looking at his Facebook page, looking at his girlfriend’s Instagram page and digging for information from mutual friends, this is not so good. In fact, despite the initial dodgy dopamine hit it could be harmful to your mental health. And impinge your ability to move on. Discussing these feelings with a trained mental health professional may help you uncover what’s at the root of them and support you in working towards a better future. Because, to paraphrase George Herbert, living well really is the best revenge.