We’ve all been there, and experienced the dark and dirty thrill of the hate follow. Finding your frenemy’s account on Facebook or Insta, feeling a surge of adrenaline as you furtively settle down to see what’s new. A-ha, she’s sipping coffee in the sunshine! But is that Spain, or Scotland? How’s she looking? Are her reels cringey? So much to see and analyse, at just the click of a button.
When my counselling clients get comfortable with me, and start to really trust me, it’s not long before the hate follow, slithers it’s way into the therapy room.
As uncomfortable as it may feel, I’d venture that the ‘hate follow’ is a universal experience. And in all likelihood, someone’s probably hate following you too. But, because the whole thing feels shameful, shabby and sneaky it’s rarely spoken about. We hardly like to admit we’re doing it, let alone explore the reasons behind it.
But I’ve gone there. I’ve decided to go a bit deeper. To look beyond the surface, and see what the hate follow could be telling us about ourselves.
The social comparison theory
This theory states that we compare ourselves to others to get an idea of how well (or not) we’re doing in life. It allows us to gauge our place in the pecking order. And humans beings find comfort in order – frameworks, league tables, rankings, repeating patterns. They give us a sense of security and containment.
So, on the socials we look at people’s houses and their holidays. We estimate they’re probably earning more than us because their worktop seems to be marble. We take a look at how they dress. Are they stylish, have they put on weight? All the time we’re making judgements and checking out how we measure up. Back and forth. For hours and hours.
And if we start to find all these mental acrobatics too draining or depressing, we can always compare downwards in a bid to cheer ourselves up. Take a look at the account of the girl you went to school with. She was struggling then, and still seems to be struggling now. Note that her make up is too much, her house is drab and she calls friends she’s fallen out with snakes.
It doesn’t feel good to write this, but for a lot of people this is the reality of comparison on social media.
You secretly admire some aspect of your hate follow
This is a confronting and challenging thought, but it’s one that’s worth exploring. Your hate follow may irritate you terribly. You might be right when you say they’re a horrible, manipulative, selfish person. But is their single-minded pursuit of what they want actually quite admirable? Do you secretly envy the way that they put themselves forward, even though they’re not that talented? Is it both threatening, exciting and a bit bemusing to you?
It is quite possible to dislike someone and also have a grudging appreciation for parts of their personality. Analysing what annoys us about a person, and then considering where those qualities might be for us, can be insightful. Are we irritated because we can’t display that part of ourselves so easily? Have we always been told that nice girls don’t brag? What part of your personality might need strengthening, developing or bringing to the fore?
You’re plotting your revenge or comeuppance
In therapy we have to look at the parts of ourselves that we really don’t like. The parts that we wish weren’t there. Jung called this our shadow side. And Freud spoke about repressing unpleasant feelings. If we find ourselves hate following someone, especially if we believe they’ve slighted us, are we longing to see their downfall, or even plotting it?
It is tempting, if someone has wronged you to feel like you want to even out the scores. It can feel more satisfying than forgiveness and with social media being both accessible, anonymous and instant, it’s all so easy. Sign in and unleash.
While I was writing this blog, a story about Tattle Life broke, and I was reminded of the sorry saga of Instagram mum and midwife Clemmie Hooper. How she was discovered using an alias to trash talk her colleagues and even her husband. It was a bizarre story, culminating in Hooper’s hearing before the Nursing and Midwifery Council.
But whatever your reason for a hate follow, I notice there’s one thing they all have in common. They allow us to feel. Particularly those emotions we don’t like to own – jealousy, intrigue, dislike, grudging admiration. In a very safe, and private space. And even though these feelings are mostly considered negative, we still get little shots of dopamine from them. Waking us up from our humdrum life, distracting us so we don’t have to think deeply about ourselves and keeping us dependant on social media.