Hands up all those who identify as people pleasers? Those who are super easy to get along with, always good fun, perpetually on form and eager to avoid confrontation at all costs. Generally your pleasant ways and easy nature are enough to win and sustain a close circle of friends. Which is lovely. But what’s really motivating your need to please? Most of the people pleasing clients I’ve worked with, had at least one parent who was temperamental, emotionally immature and often unable to control their temper. For them being affable, agreeable and amenable was a way of getting by in a difficult environment. People pleasing is not kindness, but survival.
And current thinking is examining why. Clinical Psychologist Dr Lindsay C Gibson, speaking to Business Insider, says: “Most people-pleasers aren’t bending over backwards because they’re weak people or because they’re trying to curry favour, they’re doing it because they were trained that way.”
Shedding parts of yourself that have been ingrained since childhood is a hard task and a big ask. It won’t happen overnight. But there are some ways that you can start making contact what you want. And, in turn, lessening the people pleasing behaviours that have become second nature to you.
Tips for releasing the need to people please
1. explore your childhood with a counsellor to see how the people pleasing started
We know that people pleasing most often starts in childhood, as an adaptive response to a difficult environment. Revisiting your childhood experience, with a highly trained counsellor in a safe place, can really be an insightful exercise. Could you read your dad’s mood by the sound of his key in the door? Was it obvious he was in a temper just from the way he turned the TV on? And did you instantly know just what to do to soothe the situation or make him laugh? Many adults who think of themselves as highly intuitive have actually keyed in to adults behaviour through a sense of fear. It’s closer to hyper vigilance than intuition and involves a watchfulness and dread that harks back to childhood. Making the connection between your childhood, and your adult people pleasing behaviour, is a big step.
2. Set boundaries and practise saying no
People pleasing behaviour will not fall away over the course of a day. And I’ll be honest – it will involve a lot of self awareness and conscious behaviour changes. All of which may feel odd at first. So, one of the best places to begin is by starting small and banking a success. Suggest a restaurant for brunch that you actually like rather than just agreeing with the group. Tell your understanding mother in law that you won’t be able to see her every Sunday because there are other demands on your time. Starting with people who are empathic and easy going will help you build confidence for the bigger stake conversations. And will help you see yourself as a person with strong boundaries
3. Put your needs on par with others
You’ve probably spent many years looking after friends and family, considering what they need and how you can help them achieve it. And now it’s time to start considering your own goals and desires. No one is saying that your needs are more important that anyone else’s, or that you should do a 180 and start acting like a diva. But your needs are definitely just as important as everyone else’s.
If we assume everyone’s equal, then you have just as much right as the next person to voice an opinion, decline an invitation or just say no. It’s worth repeating that people pleasing is not kindness but survival. And now you no longer have to survive your childhood, it’s time to think of ways to be kinder to yourself.