There are as many pressures on women as there are demands on their time – building a career, managing money, deciding whether to have children, and if so with whom. And now beyond all this, there’s a new and pervasive pressure mixed in the pot; to be fuckable.
Previously, being fuckable was solely the premise of adult actresses, and the Kardashians. But increasingly, the expectation that all females should be full-time sexy has made its way into the mainstream.
And as this article in Grazia points out, calling women unfuckable is an excellent way to silence them, while suggesting they shouldn’t be taking up space. After all what are you worth on planet earth if no one wants to have sex with you?
But there is a way that women can free themselves from the tyranny of being judged fuckable. And that’s by viewing themselves as the subject, not the object. Here are three tips to help.
1. Move your focus inwards and away from being fuckable
In therapy speak we call this the locus of evaluation. If your locus of evaluation is external then you will always be wondering what others think, whether they’re judging you and how favourably. A compliment from another will make your day. This is normal, to an extent, but the danger appears when we lay out self-esteem in the hands of another. Looking to others to prop up our own choices, can mean that we fail to figure out what’s really right for us. If we care that another thinks we’re fuckable then we care less about what we think of ourselves.
In contrast, a locus of evaluation which is internal allows you to rely on yourself to decide how you feel-about yourself. If you feel you look good, then you look good. If you feel you handled a situation well, then you did. It may take some practice to filter out other’s voices and comments, but it will be worth it. The beauty of an internal locus of evaluation is that you start to back yourself and make authentic choices, away from the opinion of others.
2. Embrace your own brand of beauty and curate your socials
Despite what mainstream media would have you believe, there’s honestly no such thing as fuckable. And no one is going to take a picture of you and do a poll in the street. If you are concerned that you are not fuckable, because you don’t look like a blonde, size zero Hollywood starlet, then you need to open your eyes. And you also need to curate your social media feeds so that you can see a wider range of beauty being celebrated. An excellent place to start is by taking a look at @stylelikeu and @effyourbeautystandard on Insta.
3. But also think beyond looks and fuckability
All the people I have ever loved, liked or even had a passing attraction to, are not remembered by me for their looks. Similarly, how you look is just a very small part of the overall package. And it is a massive shame that this is where so much emphasis is placed, as it causes women to focus on the wrong priorities. When I think of my partner, ex-partners, my friends, family , here’s what comes to mind. In no particular order:
kindness
sense of humour
engagement with life
empathy
compassion
charm
ability to get things done
business acumen
organisation
upbeat nature
optimism
For most people, there are literally a hundred things that come to mind before they think of your looks. So try and take the focus off whether others might consider you fuckable. Because the only person you need to be attractive to is yourself.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic. If you’re happy to share, just comment below or email me personally it celia@cappuccinocounselling.com